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Offensive jokes to kick off the new year.
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Author Topic: Offensive jokes to kick off the new year.  (Read 3510 times)
joshbrenton
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« on: December 31, 2008, 13:35:18 EST »

- by Jimmy Carr

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? I see I divided the room with that joke. There was people who laughed, and people who are going to Heaven.

Suicide bombers... what makes them tick?

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's problem.

I was raised as a Catholic. I hated going to church when I was young; Stand Up, Sit Down, Kneel, God I wished the father would pick a position and just fuck me.

Ninety-nine percent of women kiss with their eyes closed. That's why it's so hard to identify rapists.

You know a girl's too young for you when you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all, who are these other guys? And second, if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be your fault?

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes.

My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door  one night and asked "Can I have a new bike?" He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it, though. I got the bike.

Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering. I was wondering; is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning pedophiles off babies, I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".

My grandfather told me, "Your problem is that you think that your generation invented sex." I said, “Well, did you ever fuck grandma up her ass, pull out and come on her tits?” Turns out that's how she died.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

John Merrick, the elephant man, was teased and tormented all throughout his life. People used to go up to him and say 'You are the most ugliest man alive'. He didn't mind however - he was extremely thick skinned.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

I think bungee jumping is suicide for indecisive people.

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says "Slow... children." That can't be good for their self esteem. But look on the positive side: they can't read it.

I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.

Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements where each time a famous person snapped their fingers they say an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help but think, "Well, stop snapping your fingers!"

When I was younger, I was afraid of going to the dentist. He was a pedophile.

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

My girlfriend's reading a book at the moment. It's one of these sort of new age things. It's called, 'Women That Love Too Much,' which I think could have the title shortened to 'Sluts.'
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